Quotes

While wandering through a church rummage sale, I found a good book for our bathroom library. The bathroom is one place where I refuse to bring my phone. Therefore, I’ve collected a number of books that either have short stories, essays,  or quotes. “Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers” are just about perfect for the bathroom library. There are many editions and they are very cheap on Amazon.com. One of my favorite books is “A Treasury of Great American Scandals”, by Michael Farquhar. In this book I found out that George Washington’s mother was an embarrasment to him. As a matter of fact, I discovered all the dirt on our founding fathers! Good reading and just about the correct length of time for a visit to the bathroom.

Below is a condensed version of the book titled, “The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said.” I especially like the two quotes by Lily Tomlin. She has a sharp mind and a wicked sense of humor. 

What to do in case of an emergency:
1. Pick up your coat
2. Grab your hat
3. Leave your worries on the doorstep
4. Direct your feet to the sunny side of the street.
Unknown

I wash everything on the gentle cycle. It’s much more humane.
Unknown

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
Tom Lehrer

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Yard sale – Recently married couple is combining households. All
duplicates will be  sold, except children.
Classified ad in the San Jose Mercury News

From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents; from 18 to 35 she needs good looks; from 35-55 she needs a good personality; and from 55 on she needs cash.
Sophie Tucker

What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance.
Jane Austin

There is one fault that I must find
With the twentieth century,
And I”ll put it in a couple of words:
Too adventury.
What I’d like would be some nice dull monotony
If anyone’s gotony.
Ogden Nash

Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
Stephen Leacock

A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.
Samuel Johnson

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
Jim Samuels

It’s all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
Mick Jagger

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
Lily Tomlin

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Almost Like Having You Here.
Stephen Bishop song title

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Mark Twain

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
Jean Cocteau

I have learned to spell hors d’oeuvres,
Which grates on many people’s nerves.
Unknown

Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom.
Unknown

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato

Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.
Barry LePatner

If I don’t get a part for my artificial heart
I’m gonna stop caring for you.
Bernie Sheehan

If Jesus was a Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name?
Unknown

Why torture yourself when life will do it for you?
Laura Walker

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.
Rita Rudner

If you don’t take care of your body, where will you live?
Unknown

I don’t like Diane Keaton anymore. She’s had way too much therapy.
Patricia Wentz

It took me an hour to bury the cat, because it wouldn’t stop moving.
Monty Python

Art is about making something out of nothing and selling it.
Frank Zappa

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s nonety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem

Gravity isn’t easy, but it’s the law.
Unknown